Super Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Phragg, Nov 16, 2012.

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Super Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Phragg, Nov 16, 2012.

  1. Mortos

    Mortos Basement dweller extraordinare!!!

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    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years
     
    Mortos, Feb 28, 2013
    #11
    Geneau, Doomforge and Phragg like this.
  2. Phragg

    Phragg Donating Member

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    I probably laughed way more than I should have.
     
    Phragg, Feb 28, 2013
    #12
    Mortos likes this.
  3. Vonic

    Vonic Hate /tell receiving extraordinaire

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    What do you call a bear with no teeth?


















    A gummy bear
     
    Vonic, Mar 3, 2013
    #13
  4. Sotet

    Sotet See Sw0ltet, be firmly erect.

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    Sotet, Mar 3, 2013
    #14
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  5. Calilator

    Calilator Jedi Master

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    The woman went to the gynecologist and said:
    -I think I'm pregnant.

    The gynecologist examines her and says:
    It's nothing, you have gases!

    After four months she returns to the gynecologist and says:
    Doctor, my belly is bigger, I still think I'm pregnant!

    The gynecologist examines her again and says:
    It's nothing, you have gases!

    Past few years the doctor meets the same woman in a mall and says:
    -Hello! You are alright? How long! What a beauty, this is your son?

    Then the woman says:
    -For me this is my son, but for you it is a fart dressed like a sailor!
     
    Calilator, Mar 12, 2013
    #15
  6. Mortos

    Mortos Basement dweller extraordinare!!!

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    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

    "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

    He lost 63 pounds that week.
     
    Mortos, Mar 28, 2013
    #16
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  7. HivMnd

    HivMnd Crazy autistic physicist

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    What does female mathematicians do for physicists?










    They give them the tools to work on their curves.
     
    HivMnd, Mar 28, 2013
    #17
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  8. FoxReinhold

    FoxReinhold Judge

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    This is my personal favorite joke:

    A cop pulls an electron over for speeding. The surly cop approaches the car and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

    The electron looks down at himself for a few moments and then responds, "Well I'm here, aren't I?"
     
    FoxReinhold, Mar 28, 2013
    #18
    Geneau likes this.
  9. Phragg

    Phragg Donating Member

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    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

    The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
     
    Phragg, Mar 28, 2013
    #19
    Mortos likes this.
  10. Phragg

    Phragg Donating Member

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    A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
    The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
    "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
    The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma"
     
    Phragg, Mar 28, 2013
    #20
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